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Know what would be totally rad?   If you had a guide to healing your belly, post surgical birth. After the C-section. This is important. Scars, internally, can jack up your intestinal tracts, tacking your bladder in weird spots, leaning you towards incontinence. Digestion may also be affected if adhesions (internal scar tissue) start pulling to and fro, upsetting the balance and tone.

Visually, they can be upsetting and change the shape of your belly to a muffin top poochy business, even if you are not a muffin top type of lady. Rowan to the rescue! I’m typing as fast as my little fingers (ok, big fingers) can go. I’ll have a digital guide to healing soon. Get on my mailing list, and you will be the first to know when it’s out. Me. You. Healing. Its totally doable. Talk soon, K?

Oh tarot, you know I love you. It probably loves me back.

I’ve been reading cards for about twenty years, most of those years professionally. Two choices: I can read for you, either in person or online. Use the “Book Now”/get read by Rowan link to make it happen. Choice 2) I can teach you how to read your own self. The Friday Night Witches and Bitches club meets at Texas Art Asylum right here in Houston, its an ongoing start-where-you-are type of class. That rules.

There is wine, shit talking, self expression, lots of learning. It’s AWESOME. 3rd option (it’s not finished yet, so thats why I didn’t mention it before)  a self study online course for Tarot Creatives. I’ll get that to ya next Halloween, 2014! So let’s get to reading!

I want to share the love, so when you buy a gift certificate ….

I’m going to give You one as well. ‘Cause that’s how I roll. PAYPAL BUTTON HERE $145 for two Questions? email me.

Ever have a case of the hots so big it ENGULFS you? Body warm and tingly, all amped up and ready to GO GO GO? Perfect, cause that’s a great way to get your hormones going, and thats what this game is all about, right?

Or how about another brother from another mother?

This is the deal, YOUR orgasm gets the sex hormones flowing, and your cervix responding, so lets implement what i call the “Orgasm a Day Plan,” or ODP for short.   With the ODP its not super necessary that you are getting sperm by your cervix, although a little prostaglandins wouldn’t hurt (like sperm or evening primrose.) The real goal here is to have a massively awesome “OHHHHHHHHH,” and then reap the benefits of all that relaxing and cervical softening. So starting around 37 weeks, earlier if you’d like ( and really who wouldn’t?!!) start the OAD plan and lest see if we can get that cervix dilating, soft and ready so that when its GO GO Gadget Labor time, you have way less work to do. Whoot Whoot! xo, Rowan Dig this post? Signup for my newsletter to get more action, lol.

Got this today in a Facebook message from another massage therapist, she was talking ’bout my website. That is the most bad ass site I have seen in a long while! I could learn lots from you! Dude your one awesome lady I must say! Thats what folks are supposed to say when they see your prime ONE real estate, right? Your web site? The site that pimps your skillz, engages the reader, and lets them know your personal juju. Amy does that for me. in a XONF! way.*

Thank the website gods for Amy. Seriously. Pay Attention Folks, cause this a love story. Dont wanna hear the adoration fest? Wanna get your web on? Skip ahead. I was set up on a blind date with this hottie one time, but I didnt realize it was a date, or a meetcha or whatever. And I was newly in a relationship, so wasn’t interested. At all. Lucky me. Cause when I met Amy, she decided to start coming to me for bodywork, and somewhere in all this she said I needed a website. In 2002. This is the beginning of Amy telling me what to do. It was embarrasing. Pages of Long Ass Rambling Copy, going nowhere, The actual website looked great, Amy’s part rocked, but my part, the words written on the page,

SUCKED.

I want to say right now THANK GODS she loved my bodywork. I needed her, and she has stuck with me.

We are on our third, yes three!! times, complete overhaul of my website. I can hear the screaming and crying now, “But its so good! So well done!!! A work of perfection!!” Oh come on now, that’s how we roll. We are gonna make some shit more awesome that you have ever dreamed possible. My answer to YOUR question of how can you some AMY? Sadly, maybe not going to happen guys. See, she’s a fancy artist now. And her plate is overflowing full. SO she’s taking a few clients on the side, but I mostly I like her best full of paint, hanging in her studio, and making ART in her most fabulous ways. MAKE ART,  NOT WEBSITES! So good thing for you I have a Plan. Plan A ~ For technotards like myself, folks with low tech skills, all heart and warm fuzzies, Step 1) get a FB business page.  This is mine, a fine example. Step 2) get yourself a pinterest page, like this bad girl: Urban Curandera Pinterest. Step 3) Link it to a Genbook Site. Look over my Urban Curandera Genbook Page, works great as a standalone website. It has what you need:  services, fee structures, reviews, and waaaaay most importantly lets folks schedule a freaking appointment without a bunch of lame ass phone tag. 20 bucks, monthly, an extra $15 for the social media part (do it). So add a “Book Now” Genbook link to your Fb page, and you are already rocking away. Trust me on this. And when you sign up, use this link cause i get a kickback. This is the advice I would of given myself 20 years a go when I fist started out. I could of made 3 times the money that first year with this advice. dude. sob.   What’s that you SAY?

You fancy yourself a web designer, or at least a little more savy? You want to be a little more snazzy, have a newsletter and email list, and more bang for your buck? Great, lets roll out plan B. You’re gonna need you some Forest so that your web presence doesn’t suck and look half ass. Forest Linden, is the hubs of a Bschool Sister and my something special that defies current words Bari Tessler.   He is alson known as the !Tech Husband! 

He is teaching folks how run an online business with his Web Tech Genius course.  If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed by all the tech stuff you need to run a business, this is a game changer. dude. Forest has created a comprehensive, step-by-step video course on how to use all the web tools and software you need to create an online business that works and doesn’t super stinky suck. He walks you through every step in a sweet, fun way that actually makes sense. He doesn’t yell at you when you screw up, look around with a glazed look, hide in the garage or play a role playing game when you ask a question or have to watch a video (again). If you’ve been thinking about selling online courses, home study programs, or services like coaching, bodywork, doula care or some other awesome shit I haven’t heard of yet cause your online presence is weak, but the tech mumbo jumbo has been holding you up, this is for you.  The best part:  you don’t need to be tech savvy (at all) to do this. Just ready to watch again and again as needed. Which you can do. Totally no problem. Disclaimer ~ I get a kickback, but so far nothing major. Not like some tech husband sperm, or something, now we are TALKING!. Little tech babies!! ok, sorry (Bari) I got carried away. So if you are not totally stupid, sign up for Forest’s Web Tech class and get yourself going. Now. NOW NOW NOW NOW. Not ready to sign up? No problem, hop on over there and watch his free videos. See how much you can get done with free. Then decide if you are ready to get your prime real estate into the big leagues. The rest of us can stick with Plan A. XO to the Max, Rowan   * One day I was taking care of Amy after a surgery, a post op doula if you will, and we were at the drugstore killing time while we got her prescriptions filled. Trying on sunglasses, I said, ” Do you know what I’m going to do with  my nude modeling money?” And I got this look.

“Start from the beginning.” So I told her how I’d been discovered(!) in a coffee house cause an art teacher needed a curvey girl for her students, and somehow this involved being nude. I was pretty blase’ about it. Lauren, Amy’s honey, was not. She proclamed that she would of forked everyone in the eye who would of gazed upon Amy’s naked glory. So since then i’ve been Suuuuper careful to always make sure Amy and Lauren know that I love Amy to peices, in, you know, a non fork way 🙂 Every email I write ends in XONF!

UPDATED! Read all the way to the end, you are not going to believe this sh!t.* Anybody else read “For Whom The Bell Tolls?” I sure didn’t, even when it was assigned in high school. Rumor had it that it was gonna suck, so I opted out. I kinda wonder about that choice now, cause I’m pretty sure that since then I’ve heard that big bell tolling for me. Many Many Times. “Rooowwwwwaaaaaaaaannnnnn, this shit is never gonna work out and its all sorts of fucked upppppppppppppp……” And I’m also pretty sure that I heard that bell tolling when I was HOTand HEAVY and in LOVE with this cutie that found me in the ashes of a crushing dramatic lesbian divorce. This cutie was awesome, stuck up for me, thought I was pretty, and you know, wanted me when I felt like old toenail clippings. Life was perfect. Except it wasn’t. Not even close. We were talking about future plans, and because I’m a chronic social entrepreneur and she was recovering from a motorcycle injury (so butch! so hawt!) I had one of my GREAT FUCKING IDEAS!!! The plan: My new girl loved snow cones, raspas, all the way down to the minute detail of how the ice should be shaved, apparently she had been doing “research” for years, or at least that’s how I saw it. Like there is a freaking CULT of snowcone lovers, who knew?! All I saw was low overhead (sugar, ice, a scooper, food coloring), I knew a dude selling a food truck on the cheap, I figured we could talk someone into letting us rent an empty lot on Westheimer, score a few picnic tables and we would be blazing great guns. Have our friends dress in their drag troupe alter egos, come out and socialize, do a photo booth, hoop, screw off, HAVE FUN!! See the Vision?

I priced it out, 3 grand and Bobbi’s Balls would have been in business. Except she didnt wanna. Nada. Nothing. No. Thats cool I said, its only for the first summer, we will work our assess of but we will be together, we’re so in love! After that first summer we hire someone to manage the books, manage the truck, we will just have fun with folks having fun. See the BIG PICTURE? No dice. Cue the bell. Its starts tolling here. Riiiinnnngggggg. See, she explained to me, she wanted an easy job in middle management, where she worked 9-5, went home, and didn’t much care about it the J O B till she hit the door the next day. I waited for the punch line. And waited. Still waiting. OH MY FREAKING JEEZIE CREEZIE ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? THAT SOUNDS LIKE HELL!!!!!!!!!!! I tried to play it off, “hey, its cool, we can be different.” Lies. If you are like me, an entrepreneur that sees what isn’t there, has some awesome drive, enthusiasm, and isn’t quite sure how to get your bizness out in front of the best customers, I have your answer. Come on over and let me stoke ya at Circumference  See, instead of giving all my info away for free, I’m only talking when  folks are listening. So listen up, cause I’m gonna help you make your bizness dream come true. If you are more of a nine to five gal, hey its cool. Somebody has to be the employee, right? It’s just not ever gonna be me. xo rowan   * Updated: Holy CRAP!!! Guess who just bought a taco truck and is all excited about getting into the food truck business. BOBBI!!! I should be getting a thank you note and free whatever she’s going to sell for life, right? Dude.

Have you seen this awesome picture? That’s baby and mama in a healing sacred herb bath, four hours after his amazing home birth. Notice the dim lights, the look on that baby’s face, the overall vibe? The following piece of sage advice was written by a new papa, this new papa. He and his incredible wife T had the most amazing home birth, and he was doing his best to keep the sacred vibe rolling ~ How To Visit a Newborn – bring food.* – wash dishes. – help with laundry. fold some towels. – refill mama’s water glass. – be aware that you are entering a sacred space, where mama and baby have enacted a tangible miracle, love made flesh. enter with quiet reverence, please. – papa, whether he realizes it or not, is the guardian of a sacred space. please do what you can to make his job easier. – please limit your visit to a couple of hours at absolute most, limit photography to the bare minimum, and limit the number of people in the birthing room. – wash your hands. – modulate the tone and volume of your voice. you don’t have to whisper, but loud noise will disturb baby. – please leave any gifts in your car. if you must bring gifts, set them down someplace out of the way, and tell papa “We got you guys an (x).” – baby has three jobs: eating, sleeping and pooping. – mama has three jobs: resting, healing and feeding baby. – If your presence isn’t helping mama or baby perform one of their three jobs, ask yourself why you have entered their space. – baby is not a rock star, an NFL quarterback, or a lingerie model. baby will be disturbed by lots of strange giants pointing flashing, clicking devices at him. this is where UFO abduction nightmares come from. – if mama or baby is looking tired or stressed, make your graceful exit immediately. this applies even if you just got here ten minutes ago. – as you make your timely and graceful exit, grab the trash bag and drop it in the outside bin. – all of these guidelines and regulations may seem onerous and restrictive. Daddy may seem like a cranky asshole. mama and papa and baby have all just been through a major upheaval in their lives. adjusting to that, and tending to the daily needs of all three, is an enormous job. show respect. – baby is forming non-verbal associations that will last his entire life. if you want to continue to be a part of his life, you want him to associate you with warmth and comfort and relaxation. Signed, Cranky Hippie New Dad   * Have I ever talked about my stepmother? No, well thats probably because we have diametrical views on pretty much everything, but one thing we can both get behind is being gracious. And bringing food. So let’s just call this first point Betty Anderson Approved.

Screwed the pooch, my d!ck’s in the dirt, for some reason all my analogies feature the glorious peen, or an activity there of. And I must admit I feel a wee(!) bit better each time I say it. D!ck.

I’m fixin to totally disregard the sage advice of my personal entrepreneurial hero, and do a little growing up in public. See, I moved my clinic space. Into my apt. The groovy yet oh so small apt. On a Saturday afternoon. After I saw clients. With a help of a bunch of friends in the Soji Power collective. (and apparently I am, strike that, was a nasty dirty woman, my god I had never seen dust bunnies like that. I blame the puppy.) Soji Power in action! And even with all this help (and some awesome paint from the folks at New Living), you know what? I wasn’t ready to see clients on Monday. Canceled more folks on Tuesday (complete with a FB meltdown) and on Wednesday, feeling shaky but pushing through, thirty minutes before my first client, the electricity gets cut off. I’m clueless. I can’t even tell if I’ve flipped a breaker or what. I’ve received no threatening letters, I payed in full last month, so I give em a call and yes, mam, I got turned off. Well excuse, fucking, me, I apparently need a PhD in bill deciphering and heiroglyphics to understand when and how much and why exactly I’m paying more during months that Im not EVEN USING THE AC than during the summer. You know, that summer where it only rained once for 15 minutes. In May. As a side note, I could go on and on about the lack of customer service and civility, but I won’t. Bitches. (I’m looking at you, Green Mountain.) So I had to do what my girl Crys Williams just wrote about, I had to deal with what came up after I wrote the “I’m gonna have to let you down,” email. It was way hard, and the texts too. I sucked, I’m awful, and my massage would be on par with Massage Envy or something, which is not even close to good enough for me. Just like Crys said, the world didn’t implode. Folks were sweet, and I was bathed in love. Some had less love than others, but love was there. So this has me wondering. Could I have built in more time to get settled? More time to get the vibe right? Cause it wasn’t about needing the money, thank you Bari Tessler, so I didn’t have to rush back to work, was it an old habit or que? I think it was my standard M.O., and as I offer services with more depth, infused with richer energy, more clarity, and deeper connection, moving forward requires the energy to be right, the flow deep, and the love pure for me to do my best work. Cause thats what folks come to me for, right? So after some more time, more tweaking, the vibe is right. Moving forward I’m going to remember to give myself the the time, the grace, to get it right. Instead of pushing pushing pushing, cramming to much in at once. More breath, less cram.   Since we are all in this together leave me a comment below if you have a standard operating procedure that no longer serves, and lets kick that to the curb. xo to the max, Rowan ps. need more peen? of course you do!

Talking to Smokey Red, a cab driver that was toting me back from an outcall, spurred this post.

He thinks driving a cab fucking sucks. He had a list of reasons it wasn’t working for him, and a resteraunt supply catalog jammed up on his dashboard. Said he’d only be driving a cab for 4 or 5, maybe even 6 weeks more. He had visions of a food trailer, toting barbecue, feeding people, that’s his passion. So what’s the plan, cab driving man? “Well, I don’t really have it written down, its all in my head.” And I wanted to support him, kick him in the ass a little, cause I don’t want it to stay “all in his head.” Keeping it all in your head makes you nuts. At first you obssess about your good idea, then you tallk about it all the time, and somehow all this talking makes you think you are getting somehwere, you buy a few random items that could, in theory, be part of your empire, if they, you know, worked right, had that missing wheel, or in the case of Smokey Red, if his trailer was code compliant, had that extra critical thingamabober, whatever. But in reality what you have is a bunch of wasted time, shit talking, friends and family who dont wanna hear about “your good idea” anymore, and a bunch of broken down crap and clutter. If it was a tarot reading, it would look like this.

Enter the year 2012, The Year of Getting Shit Done.  Not an entrepruner you say? Thats cool, expand yourself, try these out on your nine to fiver or on your domestic goddess domain, or stop reading right now, but for the love of biscuits find SOMETHING that contributes to your personal growth. Not your spouse, not the dogs, not the kids, but for YOUUUUUUUUU. Just You, we will all be better for it. Still with me? Great. Step right on over and sign up for this dude’s blog, Chuck Blakeman. He wrote a piece about how to effectively goal set, and instead of either sweeping general plans (see above) he wants you to figure out your next set of goals, cause we all know shit gets real when you write it down. Lets do a quick check in here, HOW ARE THOSE NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS DOING? you know, the ones you made like less than two weeks ago? Yeah, thats what she said. Gee. Lets try something different. Won’t it be FUCKING AMAZING to not be staring back at 2012 going, “well damn, another year of not getting blah blah blah done.” Instead we will be doing elaborate secret code handshakes cause we rule our school, invested in ourselves, and created the life we want. We can be cool like that. Yes. Do me a favor (and you too) Comment below. Pick one from your list of 4-10 and tell me what this month’s objective is. Look, I’ll go first. I’m gonna relocate my clinic, move a bunch of furniture, and temporarily work from my groovy tree house apt while my awesome landlady, her old man, and myself build out my fantasy healing art space in the studio below the apt. For reals. We will, we will, rock this. Tell me your dream thats gonna come true. xo to the max, rowan

Here is the deal. I’ve been working it like no other in the financial therapy dept, and this so far has pretty much sucked. SUUUUUUCKED. I’m moody, I’m not leaving the house much except to do fabulous work, to walk the dogs and occasionally hoop.

I’m looking at the past, and creating a new future. Fan fucking tastic. Cue up breakthrough number 83 ~ I realized I have a pretty rough relationship with money, and I want to have a smooth sailing, I feel you, this is a team, empathy relationship with money. Muy differente. And this is not my first rodeo, people. Ran with the scissors of Dave Ramsey, read books by Lynne Twist, learned about the Soul Of Money, and been on the floor of the SuperDome one year after Katrina, listening to Suze Orman tell the NOLA ladies that they had paved their own way to Hell by giving away their resources, and that she would teach them how to never, ever be there again. Thats a pretty big swing, right? Scissors to soul softness to the cold floor of the Superdome (that, by the way, a year after Katrina still vibed up despair.) Oh money, who are you? I thought about that, and I thought about dating money, go for a walk, a dinner, a dance, what would money look like? Cause I’m clear that I’m creating a face for money, much like folks create a face for divine source (God, Pan, Athena, HP, whatever.) So what would money look like, whose face is staring back at me over the candlelight? Know who I really wanted it to be? She’s so fly, I could wear her t~shirts, listen to her music, be DOWNNNNNNNNNNN.

No such luck. There I was, laying all angsty across my bed, hoping for Ani, when a sense of peace filled me, and the face of a man I’d admired for a long time floated into my mind. Someone who had changed my life for the better. Many times. Steve. Steve put a computer in my pocket, strengthened my bizness, gave me professional leverage and made me not AFRAID of computers. Creative genius that allowed me to be a creative genius. Steve also represents to me an authenticity with money, that you can make mistakes, be a jerk, get thrown out of your own company, learn from it, have vision, wear what you want, and remain yourself. Do cool things cause you want to, be real. Creativity with money. Nice. So this is the face of money for me, the energy I ask to take walks with me, to sit with me when I have to negotiate a piece of financial intricacy, be with me when I’m nervous and whelmd. Steve.

I have this taped up on a mirror in my living space, so I can chat and get reassurance that I’m going to make it through all this intense learning. Thanks again Mr. Jobs. I still need you. xo, Rowan ps If anyone has a left over Justin Beiber popup they bought for a halloween joke from Arne’s I’ll take it off your hands,  I wanna collage all over it and have a LIFE SIZE Steve collage. Yes, I will be the most awesome kid in school then, fist pump!